Mitch Hedberg, a St. Paul native whose space-case persona was as much part of his soul as it was his act, died early Wednesday morning in a New Jersey hotel room. He was 37. A medical examiner hasn’t issued findings, but Hedberg’s family is told he suffered a heart attack.
He was a damn funny guy.
“I like an escalator, because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You’ll never see an ‘Escalator Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'”
“I wrote a letter to my dad – I wrote, ‘I really enjoy being here,’ but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, ‘I rarely drive steamboats, dad – there’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit trying to act like I’m a steamboat operator.’ This letter took a harsh turn right away…
…and then at the end of the letter I like to write “P.S. – this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.”
“I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?”
“I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.”
“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut…I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut – I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here…”
“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means…it’s dirty.”
“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”